Enjoying Difficult People
by David Roadcup
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18
Irritation in the heart of the believer is always an invitation to the devil to stand by. -Eleanor Doan
Strange title for a book chapter, isn’t it: Enjoying Difficult People? Why not exiling, or at least enduring … perhaps we sometimes wish for erasing? Why enjoying difficult people?
Most of us probably know difficult people. They are a reality of life. This will never change. As long as humanity is on the earth, there will be people who call on, try and test our emotional, spiritual and mental reserves. It is true in our personal lives, our family relationships, at work and in the church. It is simply a fact of life. Church leaders are painfully aware of this reality. Although difficult people are challenging and stressful to deal with at times, their presence and participation in the life of a congregation can be a blessing in disguise; difficult people can stretch us in several ways.
Difficult People Can Teach Us About Grace
Each one of us requires a measure of the Lord’s grace. As we experience that grace in our walk, we are grateful. In the same manner, those in the church family who are difficult, obstinate and abrasive need grace for their actions. In leadership circles, these folks are sometimes referred to as “EGRs” (Extra Grace Required). As we receive grace, we give grace. Remember, every believer, difficult ones included, is important to God. God is concerned with growing healthy believers as well as those who struggle. As we grant grace, we will receive grace and grow through its presence in our lives as leaders. The reflection of grace as it is extended to those who need it should remind us of our need for grace, as well.
Difficult People Test Our Maturity as Leaders
Leaders of the Church must bring wisdom and discernment to bear. This is especially true when it comes to exercising oversight and caring for the people of our flock. Our first and foremost responsibility is to shepherd, nurture, encourage and protect our people. We take care of those who are pleasant and healthy as well as those who are struggling.
Difficult People Provide Opportunities for Self-Examination
When a difficult person presents a problem, it gives us an opportunity to ask ourselves: does this person have a legitimate point … is this something I/we should look at? Mark Rosen tells us, “Your antagonist is indeed a teacher, an unwitting envoy of a universe that wants you to grow” (Mark Rosen, Thank you for Being Such a Pain, Harmony Books © 1998).
How we react to difficult people and their behavior is a test of our implementation of scriptural relational principles. Scripture tells us how to respond when difficult situations present themselves. Effective leaders follow the teachings of patience, forbearance, self-control, careful thought and action. When called upon to deal with a difficult person, our patience and forbearance will be strengthened as we do the right thing in dealing with those who need help. Dealing with difficult people is always a stretching experience.
Let us not, then, default to seeing difficult people as obstacles or problems. We can find ways to be thankful for their presence and participation in the life of our church.
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Reflection Question: Can you think of an instance in which a difficult person produced any of the positive effects in you mentioned above? What did you learn from the encounter? How did it make you a better leader/elder?
