Priority - Finding Identity in the Middle
by Christina Bledsoe
The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.
Henry Thoreau
After 26 years of exchanging life for the goal of making money and climbing a ladder to nowhere, I am stuck in the middle, between where I was and where I hope to be. Sure, my social media posts showed me smiling on a beach vacation with my husband and sons. But what those posts failed to show were the hours I spent working to stay caught up. I’d miss track meets and family dinners to complete one more spreadsheet, submit a proposal or return one more email. And the vacation photos certainly did not reflect the unfillable hole in my soul as I tirelessly worked for the acceptance of my bosses.
Growing up poor, money equaled safety. As an adult, my checking account became my treasure and I equated being debt free with being safe. But how much is enough? I worked and worked until I could work no more. I was mentally, physically, and spiritually empty.
Tired of the corporate rat race, I no longer wanted to hustle for my worth, to let the balance in my bank account define my success. I want to be defined by my character, how I live and how I love. After leaving that career behind, I begged God to fill me up, to use me. I prayed; I was still but heard nothing. I am 46 years old; some would define me as middle aged, and I certainly feel stuck in the middle. Who am I? What is God’s purpose for my life?
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus gives the following instructions. “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves to not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matt 6:19-21).
To be honest, I am not enjoying the middle. I like certainty. I like to-do lists with defined tasks and a tidy ending. I still do not know what God has in store for me. What I do know is my priority can no longer be defined by accumulating treasures on earth or exchanging my time for yet another task this world tells me to complete. I want my identity defined as a true daughter of the King. In the meantime, I am storing up memories instead of material items and discovering my worth as a wife, mom, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. I’m listening to the birds, meeting friends for coffee, reading, praying, and picking dandelions with my two-year-old niece.
