A Peaceable Life: Forgiveness
by Cheryl Vance
"A long time ago, bad things happened..." I recently had a conversation with a 95-year-old woman I met 20 years ago. Our last discussion many years ago was harsh as she expressed her disappointment in the church and the leadership's choices.
On a September evening 13 years later, she was no longer cognitively coherent. There it was: an apology from her soul. She went on to say, "they told me she had nothing to do with all of that." It sounds like she eventually gained more understanding of the circumstances.
Our original interaction happened near the end of a church drama/trauma. There was no good way to sort it out at that time. I have often thought this is a story I would not be able to work out in this lifetime. And there it was: a moment of eternity that was unexpected and unable to preserve except to cherish it in my soul.
Several times that evening, she told me, "I don't know you," and then proceeded to chat as though I was an old friend. Her words moved me as I felt the impact of the eternal nature of our souls and how, at that moment, our souls came together, honoring the core of who we were and the friendship we once shared. It was healing for me. I thought, "this is redemption."
Forgiveness is a choice that we make for ourselves. Whatever happens, it is impossible to know the whole story from every angle. It is never okay to assume that we know all that we need to know, have all the facts, and can make permanent judgments.
The most crucial part of forgiving is this: It facilitates healing for you and your spirit. Forgiveness is never a place where somebody else gets off the hook. Leave it to God's economy to help people to work out their consequences.
In the last two to three years, I have experienced more people expressing agitated opinions and ideas about all topics. It appears that there is an increase in the practice of roughly handling people who disagree with them. Standard techniques are to call people out publicly, argue loudly, and then cancel people from your life, social gatherings, and social media. Although these are not new practices, I see them more than ever.
When seeking wisdom concerning how to handle conflict with others, here are three thoughts that are worth thinking through:
It is never a good idea to pray for "the answers." Telling God how to do His job will not serve anybody well. For example, "God, reveal to this person why they are wrong. Make it clear to them the ways they have hurt me."
Pray for your enemies, including praying for their relationships, health, and clarity of thinking.
It will work better for you to pray for the person's pastors, lawyers, counselors, and confidants. These are the people that God has placed into their lives to make the most significant impact.
As you walk through the journey, ask God to reveal Himself to you and the greatness of His provision. Then, ask Him to show what part you had in the situation. Use this information to discern your next steps. There are times when you must take personal or legal action. Do this within the context of accountability to wise counsel.
Whenever necessary and wherever possible, make amends. Often, you can plan a lunch and spend time listening to the other person. Reflect on what you heard and check your listening for accuracy. Validate what the other person says: "it sounds like it is hard for you because..." Then, show empathy by putting yourself in their situation. "If that happened to me, I would feel…"
Next, consider your future. There is a difference between canceling somebody out of your life entirely and not putting yourself in a position for further abuse. Determine what boundaries need to be in place. How often will you see this person, and in what context? Hold these decisions firmly and without harshness.
Each circumstance in life brings growth opportunities for you and the other person. Life is lived better and more fully by cleaning up loose ends as you go. Sometimes, it just means letting something go. Forgiveness allows redemption for everyone involved.
"If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all people."(Romans 12:18)
