In a Culture of Incivility
by Billy Strother
Churches are not political townhalls where incivility reigns. Yet, the incivility which pervades our common culture, at times, finds itself creeping into the church. In every case, such moments are no less than despicable and destructive.
But those moments will happen, because the very mission of the church is to attract and reach the broken, to lead them to Jesus and into Christlikeness.
I was a first-time guest preacher in a church recently. Just the Wednesday before that Sunday, the church’s elders and deacons had come to the painful conclusion to sever their relationship with their preacher. There had been a long history of conflict.
The preacher and elders clashed often. There were loud clashes in the parsonage between the preacher and his bride, across the parking lot from the church, which frequently resulted in the couple splitting up for days or weeks at a time. There was some validly questionable public behavior which undermined the preacher’s community credibility.
The elders rushed their pastoral selection two years before; and the preacher had not been careful to accept a call to a church where his personality was a family fit. A separation was inevitable from the beginning.
In their severance agreement, the elders were incredibly generous. Their desire was to not hurt the family (the pastor, his wife, and their two children). Their overly generous severance agreement did not require a quick move from the parsonage, nor the need to take new employment quickly. The generosity was open-ended. However long it took their pastor to find a new ministry or employment, housing and salary would continue. He simply would not be returning to the pulpit.
Everyone was genuinely saddened that the spiritual divorce became inevitable.
Four days after the release was actuated, I was invited to fill-in to preach Sunday morning worship. There was only one worship service. Come Sunday, attendance was greater than the average Sunday. There, of course, were some angry persons in attendance; interestingly, persons who only occasionally attended and really liked the preacher. I guess we were doing the biblical order of worship: opening hymn, announcements, another two songs, pastoral prayer, communion devotion, offering, one more song, and then the sermon and benediction.
But we never got past the pastoral prayer time, being led by the chairman of the elders. In the middle of taking prayer requests from members of the congregation, the elder was interrupted by an extraordinarily angry sometime parishioner who stood and confronted the leaders: “We don’t need prayers requests; we need answers on why the elders have fired the preacher!” There were a handful of other persons who stood up and shouted, “Yeah, that’s right! We want answers!”
Prayer time was instantly transformed into the uncivil atmosphere of a confrontational political town hall—like the ones you see on TV.
I thought to myself, “Well, I have to preach after this?”
But the elder walked it forward in a healthy way to get us back on track quickly. He modeled behavior worthy of a Christian strategy when the culture of incivility creeps into church gatherings (whether worship, Sunday school, adult Bible fellowships, small groups meetings, board meetings, congregational meetings, et. al.).
We really need, as leaders, to be armed with a strategy for those eruptive moments. Eruptive incivility will happen; such moments are inevitable in congregational life. Why inevitable? Because of our mission to attract and reach and grow persons in Christ. In doing the mission, we not only attract and minister to mature Christian saints, we attract the hopeless, the hapless, and the hurting—by definition persons who are not spiritually mature.
How can we prepare ourselves to meaningfully manage eruptive incivility (what has become a cultural and political norm) when it creeps into a church gathering, small or large?
1. Do not panic! Broken people do broken things.
We are reaching the hopeless, the hapless, and the hurting … it is what we are called to do. We are imperfect people ministering to imperfect people. Imperfect things will happen; but we can arm ourselves for their upcoming inevitability. Eruptive incivility will always occur at the most inconvenient moment.
2. Bring a spiritually level head to a spiritually unlevel moment.
Do not immediately respond; breathe, take a few seconds not to react, when your immediate response may be to match the volume and tenor of the incivility. (1 Peter 2:23—"When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.” 1 Timothy 3:2-3—“An overseer must be … not quarrelsome …”) A hot temper will not serve our Lord in such a troublesome moment.
3. Offer options for an alternative day, time, and place more appropriate for a one issue private meeting on the concern. Lifting up the name of and glorifying Jesus must be the goal of our every gathering, no matter the venue.
4. Be kind to others—especially when they are acting uncivil.
Even though the eruptive, uncivil person raised their voice and showed anger, the elder did not take the bait. He remained kind and respectful to the person. (Ephesians 4:32—"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”)
5. Respectfully decline to participate further on the subject in the public gathering.
We really do not have to take it as long as someone dishes it out. No, we firmly, yet gently, point out the purpose of the gathering: to lift up Jesus. And then turn to what we are called to do. I think the elder’s words that day were, “We elders will be happy to meet with you about this later in the afternoon; but, right now, we are here to worship Jesus.” Then, even with a mumbling complainant, the elder continued prayer requests.
The elder’s approach disarmed the moment. As a congregational leader, the elder reset the atmospheric stage, enabling the congregants to intentionally and to spiritually engage with the rest of the worship service.
The private meeting occurred later in the afternoon. Including the originally eruptive complainant, only a handful of people beyond the elders showed up. The elders mostly listened, answered some appropriate questions, and referred the participants to approach the couple with personal questions the elders did not feel comfortable answering for the couple in the parsonage.
Since then, the church took its time to call a new preacher. The former preacher and his family found secular employment for now and moved closer to family. He hopes to work on himself and re-enter vocational ministry at some point.
When the cultural of incivility creeps into the church, as leaders, we need to be armed with a strategy to disarm the moment.
