Stronger Families: Once Bitten, Twice … Repeat
by Jared Johnson
How might you define a “strong/stronger family?” I threw that term onto the interwebs and the first 4 matches were: a group dedicated to strengthening military and first responder families, a bilingual site that may be the same group, something named “thevillage.org,” and a group based in Canada that looks exceedingly cultural/secular. I don’t know how many nuclear families there are on God’s green earth but no doubt there are at least 3.5 definitions of “family” per family!
Instead of thinking “what is a stronger family,” let’s look to Scripture for “how to have a stronger family.”
In the last couple months, two individuals, a very close friend and an acquaintance, informed me their wives were divorcing them. One has been married 21 years and the other was knocking on the door of 20. The kids affected range from 20 down to 9yo. They’re gut-wrenching stories.
Conversely, I also remember a sermon illustration I heard many years ago about marital fidelity gone wrong. A husband and wife had been married for years. They disagreed about the coffee one morning. By midday, over lunch, it turned into an argument. They quit speaking to each other altogether at supper. After a week of silent treatment, the husband got out his chainsaw and cut the house in two so they wouldn’t have to look at each other!
Our culture at least used to have a saying. I haven’t heard it for a long time. “Once bitten, twice shy.” When circumstances bite, we avoid situations in the future that seem to be rhyming with that past hurt. Similarly, former President Bush tried to recite another statement that expresses the same idea: “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” Both of those statements prod us to have a no-tolerance attitude toward other people.
But when did God last deal with us in a no-tolerance way?
“It’s his kindness that brings us to repentance” (Rom. 2.4).
“Oh, how can I give you up, Israel? How can I let you go? … My heart is torn within me, my compassion overflows. No, I will not unleash my fierce anger. I will not completely destroy Israel, for I am God and not a mere man.” (Hosea 11.8-9 NLT)
“O my people, what have I done to you? What have I done to make you tired of me? Answer me!” (Micah 6.3 NLT)
“…He is being patient for your sake…” (2 Peter 3.9, NLT)
“I tell you, not 7 times, but 77 times 777” or something like that.
No, God Almighty our patient, perfect Father was not the source of “no tolerance” policies.
In a family, a “stronger home” context, what character trait can build a stronger family? Put simply: stay. Faithfulness (endurance, perseverance, etc.) is celebrated throughout Scripture. Perhaps most famously, Jesus told the church of Smyrna to “…be faithful until death and I’ll give you the crown of life” (Rev. 2.10). Just … stay.
I’m not in the heads of either my friends or their wives, but for me, I’m going to stay. I have heard other couples use the phrase “divorce is not an option.” Well, fine, but at least to me that fixates on the negative. For Melinda and I, years ago, we landed on “life with you is my ‘option.’”
Rather than “once bitten, twice shy,” if I’m supposed to forgive over and again, how ‘bout “once bitten, twice repeat?” That MO, rather than catering to our human nature and a selfish, no-tolerance “one and done” approach, staying with a person, no matter how painful the circumstances, no matter how likely we are to be “bitten” again, helps us to look a little bit more like our patient, can-take-any-punch Father.
The Prodigal’s dad certainly had been “bitten.” But he kept looking, day after day, for his boy. He persevered in the relationship and the dad’s perseverance made space for the relationship’s restoration (Luke 15.11-32).
Jesus, no matter how many “arguing about the greatest” or “unbelieving generation!” moments He had with the 12, stayed with those 12, and His perseverance became the channel through which their leadership exploded into the Church era in Acts 2.
Jacob persevered in relationship with his sons. Despite so many harrowing moments, Israel died with all 12 of his boys (and it’s not a stretch to imagine a good number of grandkids) around his bed (Genesis 48).
Job persevered with his wife. She admonished him to “curse God and die!” He refused. Though the text of Job only shows that 1 snapshot of their relationship, it seems they stuck it out. While chapter 42 doesn’t overtly specify “Job never divorced his wife,” the rest of the book gives no reason to think they did. But chapter 42 does say God gave Job 10 more kids at the end of his life, just like his pre-test life; 7 sons and 3 daughters. Job didn’t bear those kids on his own.
Not everything works out – not here. (Exhibit A: Hebrews chapter 11 heroes of faith.) “All things work for the good of those who love God” does NOT come with a best-by / gonna-happen-on date, nor does it come with a “chin-up, bucko!” clause. I don’t know how smiley, bubbly or externally “joyful” Paul was, but he knew, intimately, how suffering so often integrated into a Christian’s life; 2 Corinthians chapters 4 and 11 lay out the excruciating details.
We’re pressed on every side by trouble but not crushed. We’re perplexed but not driven to despair. We’re hunted down but not abandoned by God. We get knocked down but aren’t destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. … That’s why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. … I have worked harder, been imprisoned more often, been whipped times unnumbered and faced death again and again. Five times Jewish leaders gave me 39 lashes. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked. Once I spent a whole night and day adrift at sea. … [But] I will gladly spend myself and all I have for you…
2 Corinthians 4.8-10, 4.16, 11.23-25, 12.15, lightly paraphrased
Paul persevered in relationship with Jesus and with people, no matter how painful either of those decisions became. He gladly “spent himself” for others. Yes there was that famous separation from Barnabas (Acts 15.39) but he also reconciled with Barnabas after that (Colossians 4.10) – Paul persevered and stuck with Barnabas. That perseverance enabled him to pass on friendly greetings from Barnabas in Colossians 4. It also provided the means by which he reconciled in some way with Mark so that, in 2 Timothy 4.11, he complimented the young man who’d so frustrated him years earlier.
Perseverance hurts. Endurance takes a toll, sometimes steep. But I’m convinced it’s one of the single best “tactics” to use for a stronger family. Staying builds a relationship in ways that nothing else does. Israel stayed with his boys. Job stayed with his wife. Paul stayed with Barnabas, Mark, and so many others.
Jesus stayed with His 12 – and with us. Let’s follow His example and stay with our people. “’Til the end of the age…”
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PS / Addendum: For what little it’s worth, here are 2 songs that greatly encourage me when I feel the sting of perseverance and endurance, when it feels like little or no fruit is visible despite staying. “Trip” Lee (his name is William Lee the 3rd) has suffered from Chronic Fatigue since 2005 and his 2016 album Waiting Room expresses much of the strain and bewildered pain that a long endurance can build up.
Longer “How long will it be ‘til You take it away?! … Just a little while longer, longer, longer; just a little longer, longer for Me.”
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IDK [I Don’t Know] “You seem indifferent while I sit here alone … I’m just being real when I say I don’t know if He’s just trite about His promise I don’t know; but I don’t know where else I can go; I don’t know if I can tolerate the silence I don’t know…”
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